For many expats, the summer often means heading to your home country, or the home country of your partner, and spending time with family and friends. There’s lots about this that is wonderful of course. Picking up where you left off with people, enjoying weather and food that make us nostalgic and comfortable. But being with family for extended periods of time can be difficult for some.
Being around family members can quickly lead to hard trodden patterns of relationship dynamics that can be familiar and tricky in equal measure. Boundaries are so important. Here are some strategies to help you maintain boundaries while visiting family this summer:
- Dip in and Out.
- If it’s possible to stay close to your family home but not in it, this can help you define when you can visit and leave when you’re ready. It means you can enjoy each other for a number of hours at a time, knowing that you can leave and recharge in your own space when necessary.
- If your own accommodation isn’t an option, then perhaps aim to be at the family home for a period of time (a day, a week or so), and then travel to see friends / have time alone, before returning to the family home at a later date. Keeping it in isolated bursts of time can be helpful for all concerned.
- Independence
- Think about hiring a car so you can take breaks as and when you need.
- Organise day trips without others every now and then to break things up.
- Remember you’re the parent.
- For those of you with children, you remain your child’s parent even amongst other well-meaning alternative opinions. And sometimes it’s not well meaning; it’s downright critical. Agree with your partner ahead of time that you’ll continue to do what you’ve found works for you despite the opinions of others. Having a united front on this helps to stand firm. And you can gently assert yourself on this, it need not turn in to a big thing. Simply let people know that while you appreciate their advice, you’ve found that xyz works just fine thanks very much. Also let them know that you’re travelling and might need to do things slightly differently to help your children settle. What they’re seeing isn’t necessarily an indication of how you do things at home.
- Don’t get caught up in your partner’s family dynamics.
- Perhaps your family is fine and it’s your partner’s family that causes problems? If so, stand by your partner and ask them what they need from you in certain situations. But let your partner know that while you respect that their relationship is complex and tricky, that you won’t get caught up in dynamics that compromise you or leave you feeling manipulated or uncomfortable. It can be enlightening for a family to see that not everyone responds to entrenched patterns in the same way.
- Grandparents aren’t automatically entitled to their grandchildren.
- You may feel guilty about not spending time with your parents because you know how much your parents want to see your children. That’s fine as long as you are happy with your relationship with your parents. Grandparents aren’t entitled to see their grandchildren irrespective of how they treat you. A relationship with their grandchildren starts with a relationship with you.
- Some conflict can be healthy but notice the impact it has on you.
- It’s ok and normal to have ups and downs when you’re spending a lot of time together, and as long as it’s handled well it need not be an issue. But if you notice yourself feeling anxious, low, disempowered, unable to voice your opinions calmly, irritable or angry, then it’s time to take a break.
- Relationships aren’t perfect but treading on eggshells isn’t healthy.
- Many people have one or more difficult members in their family. Sometimes they’re easy to navigate with little cost to you and your own family. If you notice that you are treading on eggshells and compromising your own needs in order to placate a tricky family member, it may be time to consider how you might negotiate a healthier relationship with this person in the long term. Therapy is a great way to unpick unhealthy dynamics and give you tools to manage challenging family members in a way that is authentic, empowering and often liberating.
Dr. Marie Thompson, Clinical Psychologist, Vivamus.